What makes two people compatible?

You matched on a dating app because you both like running, the same three TV shows and the same pub, but it didn’t go anywhere (surprise, surprise). 🙃

Dating today, we’ve been taught to shop for the perfect partner –  creating a non-negotiable checklist based on their bio, six photos and a list of our fav hobbies. 

And that’s not to say it isn’t a good starting point; it’s just surface-level stuff – height, job, a photo of them holding a fish lol –  none of which tells you how they handle a bad week.

Relationship compatibility is about much more than that – let’s walk you through what it actually means, how to spot it early and questions you can ask yourself (not them) after the date. ✌️

What does relationship compatibility really mean?

Compatibility is the stuff underneath the surface-level stuff: shared values, communication styles, life goals pointing roughly in the same direction and a real emotional connection. 

The trouble is that most online dating apps today aren’t built for that – leaving anyone who’s genuinely looking for love feeling let down and burnt out from endless swiping.

65% of single Brits on dating apps hope to find a meaningful relationship, but only 33% find the apps helpful (see, you’re not the only one!)

So it’s worth knowing what compatibility actually looks like so you can stop spending your time on people who don’t want the same thing. Here are our top 4:

1. Your values – Values are non-negotiables underneath the personality. For example, money and how you spend it, whether you’re family-oriented or religious and how you treat people. You may see a big night out as a reward for a hard week, whereas the other prefers a quiet night in – neither is wrong, but it shows up every Friday. 
2. How you communicate – It’s not about whether or not you argue, it’s about how. Do you talk it out on the same day, or do you need to sleep on it first? Does one of you go quiet while the other needs it resolved straight away? It’s important to note that compatible couples aren’t conflict-free – they’ve just got a shared way to work through it.
3. Where you’re heading – This can be a big one. The most common being kids or no kids, city or countryside, career-first or life-first, five-year plans or completely winging it at life. Your goals don’t have to be identical, but they do have to fit together. Compatibility is basically being able to exist in the same life without one person quietly giving theirs up.
4. Emotional connection – Can you be yourself? Fully? Are you able to say the unflattering thing and does their good news feel like your good news? Pay attention to how they make you feel and how you feel about them. Having the same sense of humour can also be a good indicator of a good emotional connection.

At Haystack, we match you with groups of compatible single people using our in-house algorithm – a questionnaire built on research that prioritises meaningful connections rather than hobbies. 

The algorithm identifies similarities using a points-based system, connecting you with a table/s of age-appropriate people who share your sexuality, have similar values and interests and of course, are single. 

Fancy giving it a go? 94% of people come alone and 1 in 5 people end up going on a date after. 👏 See for yourself! 👀

Shared interests vs shared values

Shared interests are brilliant for the early days. They give you something to do together, an easy first date and a reason to text. Interests are what you like, whereas values are how you live. The former are more likely to change (took up padel in January, quit by March lol) and the latter are what tend to stick around.

Take a look at the table below to help understand the difference. x

The point is that your shared interests are the door, not a checklist. Although they can also be values in disguise, for example, how someone decides to spend their weekends often tells you what they prioritise.

Interests are the icebreaker, not the basis of the match. That’s how we do it anyway. 

We split everyone into groups based on common interests, sexuality, gender ratio and a whole range of other factors. We then check everything by hand to ensure the actual values conversation can happen without an awkward “so, what do you do?”. 

Can opposites really attract?

Now this one’s a biggie. The short answer is yes – but only in some places. 

When researchers looked at 133 traits across 80,000 couples, partners turned out to be more similar than different (between 82% and 89% of traits analysed). Whereas only 3% showed any pull towards opposites. 

Opposite personalities often work brilliantly. Opposite values almost never do and that’s usually where it ends in heartbreak. 💔

This is where difference in personality is a genuine strength:

• Introvert and extrovert – one gets you out of the house, one makes sure you rest
• Planner and spontaneous – holidays get booked and they’re lots of fun
• Optimist and realist – big ideas, a bit of a dreamer that also survives a spreadsheet
• Different interests entirely – you both have your own thing and there’s more to talk about

This is where differences in values fall apart:

• Wanting kids vs not – speak about this at the start, as this is a biggie later down the line
• Honesty standards – trust is key in a relationship, so honesty has to be up there
• How you handle money –  money is the number one cause of arguments for three in ten UK couples. Not because one of you is bad with it, but because a saver and a spender are working from different definitions of “sensible”.
• Whether you want the same shape of life – compromise on the small stuff (pub or movie night), but don’t compromise on the big stuff.

What makes difference work isn’t the difference itself, it’s whether you’re both curious and care enough about it rather than trying to fix it. x

(caption) Dating in real life is a good way to go beyond shared interests to find out what your shared values are.

How can you tell if someone is compatible?

You can’t know in one conversation and you don’t need to. Compatibility will reveal itself, which is why it’s key to gather information early on without passing judgment.

This is exactly what an online profile can’t tell you and exactly why dating in real life at one of our events is where it’s at. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself (not them) after the date and some green flags to look for early on to gauge whether or not you might be compatible.

Questions to ask yourself (not them):

• Do I feel like myself around them?
• Am I looking forward to seeing them, or looking forward to having seen them?
• How do I feel the day after, energised or drained?
• Could I tell them something embarrassing?
• Do I like who they are with other people such as waiters, friends, their mum, the bar staff?
• Do we disagree well?
• Am I into them, or into being chosen?

Green flags to look for early on:

• Conversation that moves past logistics and into how you each think
• They ask follow-up questions – a real one is the single most underrated sign
• Plans get made and then actually happen
• Their kindness is consistent when there’s nothing in it for them
• Silences that aren’t panic-inducing
• They talk about their life, not just their CV 
• You get the same person every time

Just imagine a relaxed group setting where you meet multiple single people in one night and get to notice these signs naturally – without the intensity of one-on-one or the pressure of speed dating. 

Sounds good, right?👍Find an event in a city near you: Birmingham, Cardiff, Leeds, London, Manchester

Dating in real life

If you fancy swapping the scroll for a more meaningful and genuinely fun way to date, book one of our events. 

Our in-house algorithm sorts the groups, a real person checks it over and you end up meeting people you’ve actually got things in common with. 

With reps floating around making intros, nobody’s standing on their own. No swiping, no forced fun – just good venues, a fun activity and drinks with interesting single people.

The worst that could happen is you have a good time. Maybe see you there?

Sign up to see when we’re coming to your city or read our FAQs if you’re feeling nervous –  94% of our guests come solo. 😇

Lucy & Matcha (the office dog) x